Mirrored Delusions
by Slrmn82
Summary: JoanCBG After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan is convinced that her missions from God are delusions. Will she regain her faith or continue to isolate herself in a downward spiral of depression?
1. Default Chapter

Mirrored Delusions  
  
Rating: PG-13 Pairing: Cute Boy God/Joan (mostly undertones until the end)  
Summary: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan looses her faith as well as her perceived role in the world. Thinking she hallucinated her missions from God, she turns away from those she loves. Can God himself convince her to start living again? Or will she continue to ignore him as a mere figment of her imagination?  
  
A.N.: Catching Insanity is finished. I may write a sequel at some point in the future, so keep checking back. Hope you enjoy my new Joan/CBG adventure.  
  
Withdrawal  
  
The hospital room was rapidly becoming claustrophobic to Joan the longer she stayed. After running a battery of tests and prescribed antibiotics she was released three days after she was admitted. The hospital wanted to keep up her therapy visits once a week for a month or so, to make sure she acclimated well to her surroundings, and discusses any hallucinations as they happened.  
  
The medicine they gave her would take a couple weeks or so to settle into her blood stream to become effective. Joan did not share her hallucinations with her therapist, or anyone else, especially after Adam's disappointing reaction. Instead she was remarkably closed-mouthed and only mentioned that she thought Price was the devil, not so far from the truth as far as she was concerned. Whenever her family seemed as if to bring it up, Joan adeptly changed the subject.  
  
Joan spent her first day home cloistered in her room refusing to leave it, even when her mother practically begged her to come down for dinner. She only moved from her bed reluctantly when her stomach began growling and even so it was late into the night. Joan walked quietly down the stairs, tiptoeing passed her family's rooms so as to not wake anyone up. She entered the kitchen and immediately went to the refrigerator to look for cold cuts to make a sandwich. With her head in the fridge she was surprised when a hand landed on her shoulder. She cut off a shriek as she whipped around, her heart just about pounding from her chest.  
  
"What… Geez Dad, don't do that!"  
  
"Sorry honey, but you didn't see me at the table." He told her gesturing to the glass of warm milk on the far side of the table. "Want me to make you something to eat?"  
  
"Well I was just going to make a sandwich." Joan mumbled, backing out of the fridge.  
  
"Nonsense. How about a nice ham and cheese omelet?"  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
"Take a seat."  
  
Joan sat on a nearby stool as her father broke three eggs and milk mixed into a frying pan. As the eggs cooked he chopped some cheese and ham as Joan watched silently.  
  
"You are really worrying your mother." Will told his daughter, while watching the omelet. "I wish you would just talk to us. We want to help you."  
  
"I'm fine." Joan answered coldly, turning away from her father. "I just want to be alone."  
  
"I've noticed. Did you get into a fight with Adam?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"He hasn't been to visit the last few days." Will pointed out.  
  
Joan lowered her head to the kitchen table dejectedly, thinking over Adam's absence, even when she got out of the hospital. Even Grace was around more then Adam. He obviously thought she was insane.  
  
"No fight, at least not really. It's complicated."  
  
"You should call him." Will told her as he set a plate of eggs in front of her and watched her dig in enthusiastically. "It's not healthy for you to lock away the people who care about you like you're doing."  
  
"I don't have anything to say to him. If he wants to talk he knows where to find me."  
  
Joan didn't see her father's concerned look as she continued eating. Will left her at the table a few minutes later, when it became obvious that she had no intention of going back to bed. Sitting in the dim room alone, Joan let a few tears fall and finally fell into a restless sleep. She was unaware of a man watching her sadly from the window, hidden in shadow. As he walked away his jacket caught the moonlight and the button shone against the brown corduroy. 


	2. Refusing to Listen

Mirrored Delusions 2/?  
  
Rating: PG-13 Pairing: Cute Boy God/Joan (mostly undertones until the end)  
Summary: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan looses her faith as well as her perceived role in the world. Thinking she hallucinated her missions from God, she turns away from those she loves. Can God himself convince her to start living again? Or will she continue to ignore him as a mere figment of her imagination?  
  
A.N.: Catching Insanity is finished. I may write a sequel at some point in the future, so keep checking back. Hope you enjoy my new Joan/CBG adventure.  
  
Refusing to Listen  
  
Joan woke up the next morning with a sore neck and a fork poking her in the arm. Overall the day promised to be terrible if the first two minutes were anything to go by. She dumped the remained of her omelet into the trash and began washing the dishes that were in the sink as well as her own plate. Looking at the clock she realized it was still fairly early in the morning and the others probably wouldn't be up for an hour or two. So after drying her hands and putting the dishes away she grabbed her sneakers, pulled on a light jacket and left the house.  
  
The breeze blew right through her since the sun wasn't up yet, and she tightened her arms around herself as she set off up the street. The sky was still dark although the sun was making a valiant effort to rise, and no one was on the streets yet. Joan welcomed the quiet. It fit her mood and allowed her to think without the stares of her family to worry about.  
  
Joan didn't want to cut out anyone from her life, but she didn't know what was real anymore. Even the most important thing that happened last year was merely a figment of her imagination. She began to realize that her thinking the God would talk to her was not only foolish but conceited as well. Why would he speak to her of all people, when there were priests, scientists, artists. Hell, she was nothing special.  
  
The only thing that continued to confuse her were her missions from 'God.' Were they her subconscious or something? If that was the case how come they seemed to help people after they were completed? Without them she never would have met Adam, Grace, or Kasper. She wouldn't have been in AP Chemistry, which admittedly challenged her, but she had passed with a solid B-plus average, something she never would have thought herself capable of.  
  
So how could Joan coincide the outcomes with the source? The answer was she couldn't, not alone as she was. That was the thing she hated most about this. Ever since God abandoned her, or rather since she was diagnosed and treated, she felt so alone she wanted to scream aloud at the top of her lungs. Hell she was willing to try it anyway, but didn't want to see her parents pitying and worried looks anymore either. Joan walked around in thought until it got light out and cars began to fill the streets somewhat.  
  
"Joan." A man called from behind her. When she turned around she saw no one, so she kept walking.  
  
The third time this happened she ran into the closest building looking for sanctuary. It just so happened to be the Arcadia Public Library. Joan stood just inside the door for a few long moments, until she suddenly got an idea, and made her was to the card catalogue on the computer in the lobby. She felt a bit out of place to be here on her own time, but ignored the anticipation that strummed through her. It took a few minutes and false starts for her to find the information she was looking for and soon she was looking through the stacks single-mindedly. By the time she was ready to leave she had a total of ten books in her arms, all about God, a few about Saints, and one about faith. The librarian gave her an odd look but checked the books anyway. As she held the books precariously while trying to open the library door the librarian called out after her quietly.  
  
"Hope you find what you're looking for, Joan."  
  
As Joan turned back to glare ar the lady she found that she wasn't even looking at her anymore. Joan's glare turned to confusion, but she resolutely turned away and left the library without a backward glance. 


	3. Faithful Revenants

Mirrored Delusions 3/?  
  
Rating: PG-13 Pairing: Cute Boy God/Joan (mostly undertones until the end)  
Summary: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan looses her faith as well as her perceived role in the world. Thinking she hallucinated her missions from God, she turns away from those she loves. Can God himself convince her to start living again? Or will she continue to ignore him as a mere figment of her imagination?  
  
A.N.: Catching Insanity is finished. I may write a sequel at some point in the future, so keep checking back. Hope you enjoy my new Joan/CBG adventure.  
  
Faithful Revenants  
  
Joan arrived home by eleven in the morning, having spent a couple of hours in the library. As soon as she entered the house she was set upon by her family in various states of concern. Her mother in particular was frantic with worry.  
  
"Joan, where have you been?"  
  
"I was at the library." She answered exasperatedly, ignoring the disbelieving looks from her family. "I wanted to look something up. Don't worry guys. I feel fine."  
  
"You just got out of the hospital a day ago, Joan." Her father reminded her softly, taking her bag in his hands and leading her to the couch.  
  
"Come on, Dad. I'm not an invalid! I feel fine. No nervous breakdowns on the way to the library, and I am capable of walking by myself."  
  
"Joan, calm down. The parental are just worried." Kevin interjected calmly. "With good reason. You're supposed to be resting."  
  
"Just leave me alone, will you? I already told you I feel fine!" Joan screamed loudly, before rushing up the stars with her books in her hands, slamming the door behind her.  
  
Downstairs her parents and brothers looked at each other in shock before Kevin snorted loudly.  
  
"We can tell your fine, Joan. If you were anymore fine you'd be up on a tower taking out pigeons."  
  
"Kevin, stop it!" Helen admonished. "Your sister is going through something right now, and she needs our understanding."  
  
"Well if she'd talk to us, maybe we could understand what's going on." He answered back, using the ramp to wheel upstairs.  
  
Music was blasting loudly from Joan's room, drowning out the squeaks of the wheels of his wheelchair as he approached her door. Kevin knocked quietly and when she didn't answer pushed the door open and entered. Joan's back was towards him and she was laying on her bed facing away from the hallway.  
  
"Joan." Kevin spoke loudly, over the music, reaching out a hand and shaking her shoulder. Joan jerked in surprise and rolled off the edge of the mattress landing with a bang on the floor.  
  
"Ump! Geez, Kev. Watch it." Joan shrieked as she pulled herself sideways so that she was looking over the top of her bed, the mattress now separating the siblings. "What do you want?"  
  
"Cut the attitude, brat. It's me here, not mom and dad."  
  
"Your point?"  
  
"My point is I know a little something about having one moment skew your whole existence." He told her somberly, before breaking out into a grin as he tapped his wheelchair. "At least you still are mobile."  
  
"Kevin."  
  
"Seriously Joan, I don't know what you've been seeing, but I do understand being angry and unsure of your place. If you're not comfortable talking to the others, you can talk to me anytime, even if it is just to cry or rage at the unfairness of it all. I'll be here."  
  
He sat there waiting for her to respond, but when Joan just continued to look at him blankly, Kevin turned around to wheel out of her room.  
  
"Thanks." Joan answered softly, a tear falling down her cheek. "I may just take you up on that."  
  
"Anytime."  
  
He left quietly closing the door behind him and Joan lowered the stereo to a more palatable level, opening the book on the top of the pile on her desk and began to read. 


	4. Counsel of a Father

Mirrored Delusions 4/?  
  
Rating: PG-13 Pairing: Cute Boy God/Joan (mostly undertones until the end)  
Summary: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan looses her faith as well as her perceived role in the world. Thinking she hallucinated her missions from God, she turns away from those she loves. Can God himself convince her to start living again? Or will she continue to ignore him as a mere figment of her imagination?  
A.N.: I couldn't remember the name of the priest that Helen goes to speak to often. Hence he is now named Father Michaels. If anyone remembers his actual name please share.  
  
Counsel of a Father  
  
Over the next month or so, Joan spent most of her time walking the streets of Arcadia when she wasn't immersed in reading. She had been to the library repeatedly a few times a week, so much so the even Luke, who spent copious amounts of time there himself, began to get concerned. When Joan wasn't walking aimlessly, she would read upon all aspects of God and faith. There was no repeat after the first day when she checked out books from the library and soon she pushed the whole disturbing episode from her mind.  
  
Grace visited often, but would always be quiet when Luke was in the room. Summer continued to crawl by in an exceedingly slow pace, and Joan still hadn't heard from Adam. As far as she was concerned if Adam had cared as much as he said he did the very least he could have done was call her over the intervening weeks.  
  
Two weeks before the start of school Joan's daily schedule changed when her mother began talking about renewing her faith in the church. The reactions varied from the outright disapproval of Joan's father, to the indifference of her siblings. Joan kept her thoughts to herself, much like she had done since the beginning of summer, and her family accepted that with ill grace as usual.  
  
Who knows how long this would have continued had not Joan's mother seen "Questioning Your Faith" left on the coffee table in the living room. Since it was obvious none of the men in the family left it there, Helen decided to try to pull Joan from her depression while hopefully answering her questions as well. If all else failed maybe Father Michaels could counsel her. That decided Helen merely needed to convince Will that it would help their daughter.  
  
So it was that that Saturday Joan found herself in Saint Augustine Church sitting in a pew next to her mother, listening to Father Michaels deliver a sermon on helping those less fortunate. Joan fought her parents tooth and nail against going, but unfortunately her mother just wouldn't budge.  
  
While Joan wasn't so anti-God as she'd been when she was first diagnosed with Lyme Disease, she was still by no means comfortable in a church. For the last month Joan had been doing her best to forget God's existence, or more accurately she was trying to reconcile the hopeful piece of her expecting to see Him and the cynic who kept insisting that she was insane.  
  
All of her reading merely confused her. The more she read the more she believe that He was out there watching over them all, but she still couldn't believe that she had actually been speaking to Him. If she did believe it then that would mean that he had abandoned her when she needed him and although their relationship had it's fair share of snark, Joan had grown to depend on Him without even realizing it consciously.  
  
Joan suppressed a shiver when a stream of sunlight fell through the stain-glass window, casting colors on her and the people sitting close by. It was only when her mother rested a hand on her shoulder that she realized the sermon was over and the parishioners were getting up to leave.  
  
"Come on Joan. I want you to meet Father Michaels." Helen herded her child up the aisle toward the front of the church. "You may have seen him, he was at the Art Show last year."  
  
They closed the distance and Helen shook the Father's outstretched hand before introducing Joan.  
  
"Father, this is my daughter Joan. Joan Father Michaels."  
  
"Pleased to meat you Joan. It is always good to see new faces in the pews."  
  
"Mom dragged me here." Joan answered sullenly, ignoring the flickering candles where God had given her a vision of the 'Big Picture' earlier in the year.  
  
"Joan!" Helen admonished in embarrassment. "Be nice. I thought you two could talk."  
  
Before Joan could tell her mother that she didn't want to talk to the priest her mother had already turned and was making her way up the aisle and out the doors.  
  
"Just great." Joan mumbled under her breath. "First therapists, now a priest. What's next, the pope?"  
  
"Shall we sit?" Father Michaels asked, ignoring the softly spoken comment, gesturing to the nearest pew. "Your mother's been very concerned about you."  
  
"There's no need. I'm perfect, just perfect." Joan glared, before continuing sarcastically. "Don't I look perfect to you?" 


	5. In the Air

Mirrored Delusions 5?

Rating: PG-13 Pairing: Cute Boy God/Joan (mostly undertones until the end)  
Summary: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan looses her faith as well as her perceived role in the world. Thinking she hallucinated her missions from God, she turns away from those she loves. Can God himself convince her to start living again? Or will she continue to ignore him as a mere figment of her imagination?

In the Air

"You look like a very upset young lady." Father Michaels told her seriously, ignoring her eye roll once again. "Your parents are worried about you, Joan."

"Join the club." Joan mumbled. "I'm worried about me too."

"How so?"

"Look, no offense but if I didn't want to discuss it with my family and friends, then why would I tell you?"

"I'm an impartial ear."

"Not as impartial as you'd think."

"How's that?" Father Michaels asked in confusion.

"Nothing, never mind. I've really got to go. My mother is probably waiting for me."

Just as Joan stood and turned to walk down the aisle, Father Michaels held her still with a hand on her shoulder.

"Helen won't be back for another hour." He told her gently. "You might as well talk to me to pass the time rather than waiting out in the parking lot."

"Look, I don't know what my mother was thinking."

"She was thinking you are having a crisis of faith, hence why I am involved."

"I'm not a religious person, Father. Like at all. Just because I was doing a bit of reading…"

"If that isn't the problem then what's been troubling you?"

"Besides the fact that I'm crazy you mean?" Joan glared when the priest had the nerve to look amused.

"You're not crazy Joan."

"How would you know?"

"You were sick, there is a difference."

"I know that, but since then I've seen… things."

"The same things as before?" He asked cautiously, not wanting to spook Joan now that he finally got her talking.

"Um… yeah." Joan answered hesitantly. "I'm on the meds so I shouldn't still be having any vis-hallucinations."

"Visions?"

"How did you decide to become a priest?" Joan asked seemingly from out of nowhere. Father Michaels stared at her in confusion before his expression cleared and he answered her question.

"Well originally I wanted to be a baseball player. I was the classic athlete in college, but for credits I needed to take a theology class. The more I learned I realized I had missed my calling. My parents weren't exactly happy but they got over it. The rest as they say is history. I entered the Seminary soon thereafter, and hope to spend the rest of my life doing God's work."

"How do you know you're doing God's work though? I mean you've never seem him right?" Joan asked sarcastically with a very shaky laugh.

"I don't need to see him, Joan. Not in the literal sense. He's everywhere. In the air, poetry, art, animals. You see signs of Him everyday, although most people don't notice this for what it is."

"In the trees." Joan mumbled.

"Yes, the trees as well. Each one is it's own small miracle."

Joan stared wide-eyed at the priest in shock.

"What did you just say?"

"Trees are small miracles."

"Hmm." Joan looked thoughtful for a moment. "Do you believe that God shows himself to people in actual form?"

"I don't see why not. Now whether human's notice Him that's another story." 


	6. Signs of Divine Intervention

Mirrored Delusions 6?

Rating: PG-13 Pairing: Cute Boy God/Joan (mostly undertones until the end)  
Summary: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan looses her faith as well as her perceived role in the world. Thinking she hallucinated her missions from God, she turns away from those she loves. Can God himself convince her to start living again? Or will she continue to ignore him as a mere figment of her imagination?

Signs of Devine Intervention

"What do you mean?" Joan asked curiously.

"Well people pray to God all the time right?"

"I guess so."

"Well He always gives you what you need, but most people don't recognize God's hand in every day situations. That doesn't mean he isn't there, just that humans don't recognize his intervention."

"What if He's not there?" Joan asked shakily, looking the priest in the eye. She relaxed slightly when he wasn't looking at her as if she was insane for talking about God like a real person.

"He's always there Joan." Father Michaels assured her warmly.

"Except when he's not." She mumbled softly, but Father Michaels heard her.

"That's what faith is Joan. Believing in Him even when there is no proof."

"But what if there is proof and then He just abandons you when you need him most?" She asked angrily, glaring at the priest when he looked surprised at her outburst.

Father Michaels looked at her thoughtfully for a long moment.

"Perhaps you needed to find your faith."

"How do I know I'm not just insane?" Joan asked softly, blinking back tears. "Just because I thought he was helping and doing good things doesn't mean it was all in my head."

"Even if it was just in your head, which you already told me isn't true or else you wouldn't still be having visions, those are God's will as well. So either way God is still with you, all you need to do is believe in Him."

"You don't seem at all freaked out that I told you I just talked to God." Joan told him sarcastically after a moment, although it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

"There have been other documented cases, besides like I told you just now whether it's God's actual form or not, you're still God's instrument. So there is no real difference."

"Thank you, Father." Joan smiled slightly, giving the shocked priest a big hug. "You've been a big help. Now you aren't going to tell my mother are you?"

"What can I tell her that she doesn't already know?" He asked gently. "That your special? That you've been sick? That you're an instrument of God? We all are."

"Whew. Thanks again. I'll see you later."

"Will you?" He asked curiously. "I hold Mass every Sunday."

"Like I told you I'm not exactly religious… Maybe I could drop by though. Do you think I could come talk to you again if I need to?"

"Of course Joan, you are always welcome."

Joan walked out of the church into the sunlight and for the first time since her hospitalization the day looked promising. She saw her mother waiting across the street and walked over to the car.

"Hey Mom, mind if I walk home?" Joan asked with a smile looking up at the sun. "It's so nice out and I haven't been out in a while."

"Um… sure honey, that's fine." Helen agreed hesitantly. "How did your talk go?"

"It went fine. Father Michaels is cool. I may even go to Mass every now and then." Joan told her casually, getting a kick out of her mother's shocked expression. "So I'll see you in a bit. I'll probably stop off at the park on the way."

"Alright Joan. I'll see you at home."

"Kay." She answered, watching as her mother drove away. She began walking slowly toward the park, watching as three little kids played catch in their front yard. Joan couldn't help but grin at their antics as the two girls tackled a slightly older boy and began tickling him. Their laughter tinkled in the air echoed softly by Joan.

"It's good to see you happy again." A voice commented from next to her. She was so concentrated on the children playing that she didn't notice as someone walked near her. Her head whipped around in surprise only to widen further when she caught sight of the speaker.

Joan gazed at his face in astonishment. Although thanks to Father Michaels she no longer thought she was insane, she didn't really expect to see Him so soon afterwards, if at all. He still looked tasty in dark jeans and a brown corduroy jacket, the sun shining in his hair giving it hues of red and gold.

"It's good to see you too." He interrupted her perusal with a small smirk causing her to blush in embarrassment. She thought she had gotten over her little crush on Him. "Shall we?"

He gestured with his hand down the street and after a slight hesitation Joan began walking. She ignored the pleasurably shiver that ran down her spine when He placed a leading hand at her waist and for the first time in forever she relaxed completely. 


	7. Talking Over Coffee

Mirrored Delusions 7?

Rating: PG-13 Pairing: Cute Boy God/Joan (mostly undertones until the end)  
Summary: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan looses her faith as well as her perceived role in the world. Thinking she hallucinated her missions from God, she turns away from those she loves. Can God himself convince her to start living again? Or will she continue to ignore him as a mere figment of her imagination?

Talking Over Coffee

Joan walked with Him silently for a few blocks, and it was only when she realized that they were no longer heading to the park that she spoke.

"Where are we going?"

"It's still early I figured we could get coffee and a danish."

"God drinks coffee?" She asked facetiously, grinning at the familiar banter.

"I made coffee after all, of course I can drink it."

"Wasn't that ummm… whoever discovered the coffee bean?" Joan asked.

"Perhaps, but who made him?" God asked with a smirk.

"Arrogance doesn't become you." Joan sniffed disdainfully, although humor still quirked her lips. He merely raised an imperious eyebrow, causing Joan to break out into laughter.

"God I missed you." She told him while still chuckling slightly.

"I was around." He answered her in a somber voice. "You just didn't 'see' me."

"Hmm." Joan answered thoughtfully. God held the door open to the coffee shop and she walked on through. There weren't too many customers so early in the morning, but there was still noise in the air.

"I missed you too." He told her quietly underneath the din in the shop. 

Joan spun around and stared at him questioningly, not sure if she actually heard him speaking. He kept his face impassive until she began walking again, this time stalking forward in annoyance. He grinned at her back. It was good that she was back to her usual difficult self.

"Hi, yes I would like to order a French Vanilla coffee, small two sugars with cream and a blueberry muffin." Joan ordered then stepped away from the counter to let God order. It turned out God liked Cappuccinos. Who knew? When Joan tried to pay for it, God waved her away and took out money from his own pocket.

"Um thanks." Joan told him as they sat down at a table outside in the warm sun. She began picking at her muffin nervously.

"So how have you been?" He asked softly.

"Don't you already know?"

"Of course, but I want to know from your point of view." He told her calmly.

"Well, how do you think I was?" Joan asked shrilly, plopping her muffin on the table. A few faces glanced in their direction, but He was content to sit and listen to her vent. She obviously needed to do so. "You left me. Adam thinks I'm crazy, hell everyone thinks I'm crazy. You told me he would believe me."

"You need to talk to him, Joan."

"He knows where I am. Why doesn't he call me? Or better yet stop by the house to see how I am?"

"He's afraid."

"And I wasn't?" Joan asked angrily. "He's been gone when I needed him the most."

"Just talk to him Joan."

"Is that an assignment?"

"If that is what it takes to get you to do it."

"But-"

"You thought I didn't care either and that I had abandoned you, when in reality I've always been there. You just needed to have a little faith. Give Adam the benefit of the doubt, hmm? You at least need to understand his reasons for not being around."

"Fine. Fine." Joan agreed exasperatedly, taking a sip of her coffee. They sat in charged silence for a few minutes, each drinking sporadically. "So where does all that coffee go anyway?" 


	8. Closure and A New Beginning?

Mirrored Delusions 8?

Rating: T Pairing: Cute Boy God/Joan (mostly undertones until the end)  
Summary: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Joan looses her faith as well as her perceived role in the world. Thinking she hallucinated her missions from God, she turns away from those she loves. Can God himself convince her to start living again? Or will she continue to ignore him as a mere figment of her imagination?

Closure and A New Beginning?

Joan's alarm rang the next morning at eight o'clock, and for the first time that summer she woke up feeling refreshed and full of energy. Although she was still disappointed at Adam's behavior, the discussion they had the night before gave her a bit of closure, if for no other reason than that Joan didn't think there was anything she could do to save her relationship with Adam. Of course the fact that he still believed she was insane and had been talking to 'God figments,' his words not hers, didn't help bridge the ever-lengthening gap between them.

Joan didn't blame Adam's reluctance to believe entirely on his trust, or lack thereof, in her. Perhaps if the subject matter of her figments had been different. Maybe if she had been 'imagining' Elvis or fairies or something equally as harmless Adam would have believed. If not believed then at the very least pretended he did for her sake. 

Instead it was God, the all-knowing none-telling pain in Joan's backside. Considering what happened to Adam's mum, Joan got that he had some issues with the divine 'It.' Hell, if Joan's parents died she knew that the confrontation afterwards would be a sight to behold, probably including lots of yelling, tears and a bit of bitch slapping depending on the incarnation God chose. She just couldn't imagine slapping little old lady god, she was just too nice, and if she hit the little girl she'd feel like scum. So theoretically she could understand Adam's feelings, since why would a god who let people hurt so much that they killed themselves possibly have to talk about with Joan Girardi?

She understood that question entirely, and since God never shared his divine plan with his instruments, Joan was as much in the dark as Adam was. Hell, half the time Joan didn't think there was anything special about her at all, so she had no idea what God saw in her. 

There were great minds all over the world, and even in the next bedroom over, so why not talk to one of them instead? She was sure that they might understand the assignments better, or at least not make such a hash of them. Then she just shrugged and got on with it because He obviously had his reasons, and just because Joan wasn't aware of what they were didn't mean they weren't valid.

"Introspective today, Joan?" The radio weatherman spoke, butting in to her thoughts rudely.

"Oh it's you." She answered grudgingly. There was a pause of dead air before He continued to speak, leaving Joan a bit uncertain if she'd hurt his feelings. She decided that was ridiculous with a laugh and quite arrogant of her besides.

"You were happy to see me yesterday."

"Sorry I was just thinking about something. I didn't mean to be a grump." Joan offered vaguely. "So what's the assignment this time?"

For the second time in twenty seconds there was silence, and this time Joan became concerned. It wasn't like God to be reluctant to give her 'suggestions.'

"I want you to think about something for me."

"Okay…" Joan answered impatiently. "What?"

"Do you want to be my instrument?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"A better question is do you choose to be my instrument, with all that entails, wholeheartedly?"

"You never really explained what it entailed before. Just told me to do things." Joan answered cautiously, not altogether sure where He was trying to lead her.

"Yes and now you have seen the consequences, the ripples if you will. Both good and bad, and it's only going to get more difficult. So the question stands: Do you choose to be my instrument?"

Joan gaped at the radio, and wondered how such a promising morning could become so somber so quickly.

"It's your decision Joan. You've got a little bit of time left."

With that ominous pronouncement he was gone, and Joan was left wondering a little time left until what?

She had a lot of thinking to do. 


End file.
